Learning to LOVE your body & stop worrying about being "ugly and fat"!
Do you like mouth sounds, like chewing and gum smacking? No?
Well I mean, no one does… until you put that shit on youtube.
ASMR is an ear to ear therapeutic 3D sound experience, that’s like “all the rage” on youtube right now.
— I’m obsessed with it.
Three whole years of ASMR pulling me out of dark times, panic attacks and helping me feel less alone during sad times, using only the cruddy headphones that came with my old phone meant one thing, it was time for an upgrade.
Months of saving up on a ramen noodle budget. Stalking the amazon Black Friday sales. I found my prey— beautiful, huge, and my favorite brand! $500 (normally $800 so like, totally a deal okay).
Insert paper whooshing sounds here, as I rip open the box with a smile on it and peel the plastic off of my fresh new ear friend (I hope you’re tingling thinking of peeling the plastic, that’s ASMR yo).
I plop them over my head, and round my ears. Cupping me like only a mother could— but plastic and metal…
Anyway— music on, BAM I’m at a concert. I’ve never purchased something so expensive before! This is clearly what hard work and pay off feels like, and I might be addicted now.
I pull up youtube (and this is before there premium stuff, so it’s commercials and keeping my phone open still but SO worth it). Find my favorite ASMR artist.
The theme tune softly plays and the jingle of wind chimes across there logo already have me quivering. In comes the spine chilling wonders of my favorite ASMR videos, I’ve seen hundreds of times by now. This time— they are brand new again.
— OH YES.
— OH DEAR GOD YES.
Everything but an orgasm, can describe this amazing new feeling. Relaxation to a new level. Relishing in my payoff.
I wear them out and about, I walk my dog in them, I fall asleep in them (SO comfortable!).
They are an extension of my body! I bring them everywhere.
…Until one day.
You know who isn’t always my best friend? The mirror.
Dancing, lip syncing, feeling sexy AF. I jump in front of my bathroom mirror to really soak in my Twink boy Beyonce realness.
Only to find a bunny. A tubby one at that.
A slow halt to my singing, I find myself leaning into the mirror and squishing my cheeks.
These giant headphones make me look… Fat faced.
All the joy they brought me, the freedom they made me feel, the comfort during the worst of times— only to in the blink of an eye, become an accessory I clearly couldn’t wear.
Money down the drain, all the confident times I’ve remembered flaunting them now tainted. It took one second in the mirror! But years and years of society-trained self doubt (yeah, thanks Hollywood!).
I swore to only wear them inside, but with my busy life that meant wearing my old phone's headphones most of the time... No joy to my day, full of frustrations and working extra hard to feel attractive and confident now that I knew, well that I was a tubby bunny!
I walked into an electronics shop. A usually exciting feel, new things rock right? This time, to replace my hard earned favorite headphones— that clearly betrayed me!
Mirrors are not in the headphone section, FYI. So I was duck facing in my front phone camera for an hour, only to walk out with $150 smaller headphones that are, popular to say the least. They BEATS the rest, so say all the commercials and salesmen.
Quality? Alright. Comfort? None— they hurt to wear for 30 minutes or more. Connectivity? Headache, no wire means cruddy bluetooth.
I was just one unhappy bunny.
I had to confront myself here: Why was having tubby cheeks something to be so vain about? Embarrassed and worried of?
I find going as far into my reasons and core thoughts as I can go always leads me to a real answer, and past the society instilled one we’re kinda branded with at birth.
Being tubby is unhealthy? Nah. I’m unhappy with my body? Heck that. I’m worried my potential mate will see me and be turned off, and leave me forever alone riddled with the thoughts of what ifs? Oh, haha yeah that.
The core thought.
Let’s challenge it? That’s my motto.
— This is a process where I talk to myself a lot, by the way. I find training yourself to be your own best therapist is important.
Me to me: Is your ideal mate, your SOUL MATE if you will… Are they going to judge you for headphones making your cheeks tubbier? Are they going to write you off for having jiggle at all?
As I thought on it… And struggled with it. I had to ask who my idea soulmate was!
He’s kind. He see’s past skin deep. He’s intellectual and in love with me for my brain, my humor and my legacy. He’s someone who loves my body but never as much as he loves my mind and soul— because bodies decay anyway!
Gettin’ real philosophical here.
As I sit with it, I know my dream mate. I know my headphones are NOT going to run away the man I will marry!
I put my headphones back on, and in that moment…
Bliss both in my ears, and back in my confidence. He’s out there and he’s going to love my headphones— or better yet, not think twice about my adorable tubby bunny cheeks.
As I sit and write this chapter, in my favorite restaurant eating cinnamon toast crunch cheesecake (let it be KNOWN y’all), I walked out of the house this morning headphones (THOSE headphones) on, kissing my boyfriend who loves me and my cheeks— all four— right on the lips.
Someone who loves me for who I am, and all the things I love. Including my body.
We manifest everyone into our lives, through not just our thoughts (woo woo stuff) but through our confidence and our daily interactions which all stem down to how we feel about ourselves.
You can’t force yourself to be taller. You can’t lose weight overnight without losing a limb. You can though, work on that confidence and inner beauty. It will bring you the joy of your life— which is already too short to not be searching for every ounce of joy in…
— Now back to my cheesecake.
Your body may not be the body for you. Too often we obsess over the idea of having the ideal body of who we would be attracted to for ourselves— it’s important to know statistically, as well as in faith, that the partner of your dreams as far as mind and body are concerned, exists out there in MANY forms and places. And many of those exact people are looking for a mind and body combo just like your own.
You’ll match up in time. Don’t try to be something you’re not, you can’t date yourself. Technically.
I learned this lesson in early business. I was broke, like ramen noodle budget living. So I priced all my products around where I was in my life— which in turn kept me where I was. Low prices, high overhead, I stayed broke.
I had to realize I wasn’t selling my art to myself, my dream customer wasn’t a ramen noodle budget artist. It was a higher class women, with expendable income. Someone who prioritized having various art forms in their life but not so keen on creating themselves. I was selling them an experience and I should price for that, and who I’m selling to.
Moral of the story is I stopped being broke, and single.